THIS JUST IN:

Mysterious illnesses sweep through elementary classrooms. Doctors are unsure how to treat students as their symptoms vary greatly. Headaches, nausea, stinging fingers, faintness, stomachaches, paper-cuts, sore noses, asthma, cotton-ball throat, arm-redness, loose teeth, blisters, and watery eyes plague 3rd graders at one shore school. Scientists have yet to name this particular strand of flu but teachers are calling it the "I-forgot-my-homework-flu" and "Mathisntmyfavoriteitis." Until further research can be done it's being treated with a sip of water, a light pat on the back and remarks such as, "If that hurts than stop doing it."